Case of the Ex

Happy Holidays everyone! 

It's been awhile so I figured I'd update everyone on my journey. I'm still spending lots of wonderful time with the boo mentioned previously. In fact, I have a BOYFRIEND. Yes, a BOYFRIEND. To be honest, I've only had a BOYFRIEND for like 3 months of my adult life. I've had messy situations and boos but never a solid commitment and its fun and different. While I'm still getting used to sharing my time, I love the courtship, the wonderful dates, the cutesy phone photo shoots and all the other things that come with being a couple. And the guy....he's wonderful. Not the "I'm in the honeymoon phase" wonderful, but in the "he prays for and with me and kisses my forehead" wonderful.

Ok, enough of the mushiness LOL. In the midst of the new coupledom state that I'm in, I get a  phone call from my ex. The guy who was formerly known as the only boyfriend I ever had in my adult life. The guy who smashed my heart into billion pieces many times over. The guy who "changed" and reverted in a NY minute. The guy who played me left and right (and it was a white girl! Child!! lol). The guy whose calls I had been avoiding for the longest time because I knew one "hello" would have me right back in the middle of a hot mess relationship.

But this time, I answered the call. It was late and I had just got off the phone with my BF. The initial minutes were the cordial hi's and how you been's. Then, he let his true intentions be known. He proposed "stopping by/staying over" on his way home for Christmas vacation. A year ago I would not have been so strong to say no. But "no" rolled off my tongue sooner than I could process it. I let him know that I now have a boyfriend and would never disrespect him by mingling with an ex. Not only was I proud of myself, I was happy to be honest and making sure that chapter stays closed.

Many times, exes seem to crawl back into their former flames' lives to apologize, to try again, to get things right. While 10% of those re-attempts work out, I'm pretty certain that anyone (including myself) who has tried again with an ex soon realized that nothing was different and nobody changed. It's natural to want to try. Everybody wants the fairy tale happy ending. A reason for the pain. A smile at the end of a dark journey. But for most of us, an ex is simply a lesson on what NOT to tolerate and what to watch out for in the future. My ex taught me to never tolerate cheating, to be cautious with second chances, and that I am ALWAYS a gem, even if someone treats me differently.

It's funny how exes come back when you're with someone else. When they sense somehow that their unhealthy grip on your heart has diminished. I hope he learns to be better to his next love. And to be the love he seeks to find. In spite of all the craziness and tears, I thank God for the lessons he showed me with my ex. Because right now, I have the pleasure of spending a very happy chapter of my life with a guy who treats me like a princess, respects me with his whole heart, and appreciates the woman  in his life. Good girls don't finish last

Smooth Sailing

Now that the Thanksgiving holiday has passed, I can finally catch up on blogging :) The dating world continues to be good to me. After narrowing down my dating team, I have been putting more focus on the guy, who we'll call Justin, who really caught my interest. And things have been great

Justin has continued to take me on wonderful dates and outings. He has a lot of great qualities; he's caring, sweet, romantic, Christian, and funny. I normally don't consider myself a lovey dovey type of person when it comes to dating and relationships, but I can already see Justin changing me. When we're having dinner, he grabs my hand at the table. When we get ready to head out, he helps me put my jacket on. When we watch TV, he rubs my hair. It's really weird at times to see myself so giddy with him but its also refreshing. In the past with guys, I've been very guarded. Justin has been very successful and is slowly (very slowly) melting the icebox that is (was) my heart.

Our conversations are what really make me feel continuously connected to him. We talk for hours about everything in life and in the news. The other day, we chatted about our Christian faith and how to integrate Christian values into today's family. The day before that we talked about places we want to visit and our biggest inspirations. Even his voice makes the conversation feel elevated. I feel so mushy right now because I'm literally smiling as I type.

I don't want to move too fast or "catch feelings" too quick, but I vow not to be as romantically rigid as before. He's a sweetheart and he treats me like a princess (honestly). Today I'm very happy with my dating life and I'm going to enjoy this moment.

The Bachelorette

I must say, I'm happy that my dating life has finally taken flight after a year of blah. It's exciting, fun and fresh. I get special dates, cute glances, hand holds and all that cute stuff. The only problem is that I feel guilty sharing those things with more than one person. Call it what you want, but I feel bad after having a date and smooches with guy and then doing the same with another guy two days later and then texting another after I leave that date. I have no idea how the people on The Bachelor or The Bachelorette can manage. In my rawest, truest form, I'm a sweetheart and a softy. And I can't do that to someone or myself. It's probably not the smartest idea to throw all my eggs in one basket and just focus on one guy at a time, but I think that's what will work best for me.

The tough part now is to go from a few suitors down to one. I have to have a couple uncomfortable conversations to let some know it's not going any further. I don't want to lead anyone on so I definitely need to do this sooner rather than later. Tonight I'll start with one. The main driving factor behind my feelings is that one guy definitely stands out from the pack. He takes me on awesome dates, is easygoing, he's manly, and most of all he loves the Lord. One day I was telling him about some issues I was having with a person who I felt like was taking advantage of my kindness, and he said, "Don't worry. Keep being yourself. God sees what you're doing and you'll be blessed because of it." Smarts are impressive, a great job is impressive, but a man who can connect with me and guide me on a spiritual level is the most impressive. I don't know exactly where I'm headed with this guy but he's not like anyone else I've met in awhile. I know he's looking for a committed relationship, and I asked him to give me time (at least a couple of months) to get to know him better. He's cool with that and I was glad to see he would be patient.

The only perks I'll miss of being The Bachelorette is being treated like a princess. I was definitely getting spoiled lol. I may revisit that dating lifestyle in the future, but for right now, I'll take things one guy at time.

Connection

Saturday night I went out with a college friend, his girl and his friend/brother. We chatted, saw a movie and grabbed dinner. I could already tell from the jump that my friend was trying to find a way to get me to interact with this "friend/brother" guy...and as a single girl, I appreciated it. It's always nice to have someone you know trying to set you up with someone they feel you'd be good with. I had met the guy before (he came to a get together at my place as my friend's guest) but this was my first time really getting to know him. It was a good time (though the action movie we saw had a lot of gore and head chopping going on lol).

At the end of the night, I bid adieu to my friend and his girlfriend and the guy walked me to my car. It was only supposed to take a minute but I ended up staying for around 5 hours. Somewhere in between the late night stroll, exchanged smiles and a good night, we both found ourselves utterly smitten. It was something like an unexplainable force field that made each of us want to just sit and talk and cuddle and even kiss until we couldn't anymore. There was heart racing infatuation yet comfort and easiness at the same time. Honestly, in those wee hours of the morning, I felt excited just to breathe his air and found an equal excitement with him. Childlike giddiness that I couldn't really explain...or deny. Our conversation bounced from life to things we like to do for fun to aspirations to disappointments. It felt like he was on my mental and emotional wavelength, and he was the best kiss I've had in years.

After our lengthy date, I drove home on a high from the night's events. I never even slept...just went straight to 7 AM church service. The rest of the day I thought about him and ignored those vain/materials factors (i.e. his lack of a good job) that I value which may prevent me from pursuing him on a serious level. We have date #2 planned for later this week :) I don't know where this could be headed or where he falls in my dating journey, but I know for certain that I want my last romance to be with someone who makes me feel the electric connection that I felt that night.

It's cool I got it

 First off, praise God for a victory for our President!! Last night was another great moment in African American and US history :)

Before all the polls were closed and votes were tallied, I found myself on date #2 with the same guy from the previous post. I know what you're thinking...."So soon?" lol...but it was his birthday and he asked to spend it with little old me. It's so funny because we I arrived at the date location, I saw a guy in the distance and thought "Dang, he's cute." Upon a closer look, I realized it was actually my date! He was very sharp for his birthday and I appreciated it :) We went to eat at a cute little retro burger place which was yummy and fun. Then we headed to the movies to see Looper (which was another great, action packed and thought provoking film--go see it!).  Once again, I did enjoy his company and he was fun to be around.  We talked politics, life and music at dinner and gasped and flinched at all the crazy moments during the movie. One of the main attracting factors that he has is his maturity. I've never dated a guy that was more than a year or two older (he's 4 years older) and the maturity and grown man swag is kinda nice.

The best part of the date was probably his surprise at the fact that I paid for dinner and the movie. I've never actually [willingly lol] paid for a date with a guy that wasn't my boyfriend. But I thought, it's his birthday, and I would be a jerk if I let him pay...everyone deserves to feel special at least once a year. At dinner he didn't even realized that I paid the bill while he slipped to the restroom, and when he found out I paid, he looked genuinely astonished. At the movies, I had to literally take his debit card out of his hand so he wouldn't pass it to the cashier. He said, "No, I got this at least," and I let him know that as a believer in birthdays, I wouldn't allow it lol.

I hardly know this guy but paying for that date felt right.  I felt so empowered to treat someone else to a nice evening and say "It's cool, I got it." Don't get me wrong, this will be strictly limited to birthdays and other yet to be designated days lol

***I love her cause she got her own***
She don't need mine, so she leave mine alone
There ain't nothing in this world sexy
Than a girl that want but don't need me
***Young independent, yea she work hard***

Back in the Game

So, last night I went on my first date since June :)

1) The location: Huge mall halfway between DC and Baltimore. We went to see Argo (which was one of the best movies I've seen in a while BTW...Go see it!), then had dinner and fun at Dave & Buster's

2) Date: He was the person depicted in his profile lol, which was a plus. You never know with online dating. His listed height is 6'2", but I give him 5'11" at best....I was wearing wedge boots so maybe my perception was off, but I'm only 5'4" and he wasn't that much taller than me. He wore a nice shirt and jeans, was well groomed and was on time :)

3) My outfit: 

4) First interaction: So we totally had a cornball first date moment that went something like this:
Him: How are you?
Me: I'm good, how are you?
Him: I'm good, how are you?
Me: That's good. How are you?
(Repeat one more time)
I am dead serious. I admit, I can be a bit awkward around guys I'm first getting to know but he seemed as equally nervous as me which made me feel a little bit better.

5) The movie: Not much time to talk but I definitely enjoyed the bits of conversation we did have. The only weird part was his heavy breathing/wheezing. I swear it was he on he verge of an asthma attack for the first half hour. The pharmacist in me wanted to hand him an albuterol right quick. He was kinda sweaty too at first. It was probably just nerves and it was cute though strange.

6) Dinner: We ended up sitting at the bar and eating dinner at Dave and Buster's. It was nice. We had good food and watched a bit of the Miami-Knicks game and just chatted. I did alot more of the talking (like usual lol) initially as he seems to be more quite/reserved but after a while the convo picked up and all was well.

7) Games: The highlight of the night was playing the games. I definitely took him off guard by whooping him in the basketball shootout game. It was pretty hilarious because before he saw the final score, he started celebrating because he assumed he won. When the scores came out, he was so shocked that little old me had some basketball skills (I'm the baby Kobe of the Eastern Shore....jk). That started a fun evening of trash talk and competitiveness. We played alot of other games from shooting, trivia, skee ball, etc. He won me a plush Ravens football in one of those superhard grab machines too.

8) Overall: It was a good date. He was kind and chivalrous (he opened doors and his wallet lol). Personality wise, he's a just a bit more introverted and reserved than my usual type but he's easygoing and has a great smile. I'm not really sure if I'm attracted to him per se, which is weird. It definitely felt more like I had fun hanging out with a guy friend versus lovey dovey-ness. Although, I kinda like that because I prefer for someone to get to know me before they start trying to sneak a kiss or grab my hand. He's a good Christian guy and it was quite refreshing....we have plans for a second date next week. Stay tuned! 

Proverbs 31 Woman in Progress

One of the major components of my online dating search is making sure to find a man who is Christian. Above all qualities, such as education, height, number of kids, this is something I'm never willing to compromise on. I need a man who can pray for me and who trusts God as the guide of his life. My biggest fear, however, is that when I meet that ideal mate who loves the Lord, I won't be the Proverbs 31 woman he needs. I'm a saved Christian woman but I struggle with balancing my faith and love of Christ with the influences of the world. I've  felt for some time that I am meant to serve Him to a higher level than I have been, and I'm working on making those steps because He has been far greater to me than I've ever deserved and any and all blessings in my life are from Him and are worthy of my deepest praise. Overall, as much as I am willing to wait for the right guy, I want "the one" to see that I am a virtuous woman. Please enjoy the video linked in this post :)

You a bad girl and your friends bad too....

I got back into today from homecoming weekend at the always wonderful HU. I'm a proud alumnae and love the chance to go back and see the campus, hear the band, and attempt to relive the glory days of my youth in 48 hours. It was pretty rainy and overcast this weekend, but it didn't really stop anyone from having fun or from looking fly. Hamptonians, especially the girls, are known for being a sweet mixture of bourgeosie, smarts and beauty. If I think back to how I looked and dressed freshman year, I can definitely say that I was Hamptonized (lol) along with all of my friends. We went from tank tops, cornrows/flat twists in the front, and light washed jeans to pincurls, pearls, Bovanti (hehe), and vintage finds. That transformation made me into the lady am I today, and I am forever grateful for the being able to blossom into a Hamptonian woman.

Walking around campus and the Student Center, it was strikingly obvious that my school is home to some of the baddest alumnae and students period. As far as the eyes could see there were seas of flawless hair/weaves, make-up to die for, and bone structure straight out of a magazine; from the Class of 2012 to the Class of '82...fabulousity abounded. It's weird because it kinda brought back those insecure feelings I had back in my undergrad days of "How will anyone notice me when there are there are soooo many pretty girls here."  In high school there were always a couple super pretty girls, but HU had flocks of them that would dare to make even a girl that was cute in the pre-Hampton world feel subpar at times. It's those same thoughts that made many girls accept much lower than what they deserved in relationships with guys..I know I was guilty of that for some time. Just as all those old thoughts crossed my mind, I thought about it again...we all have our dime qualities, we had them back then and still have them now.
 
It's easy to be intimidated by a single, young woman who appears flawless and fabulous because we're a competitive species who want to make sure that we get our fair cut of the boyfriend/fiance/husband pool. But, it's not just having the Chanel Iman face or the Emily B. body for every guy...sure that will get attention, gifts, and even love...but there are other things that get guys' attention too. Smarts, wit, charm, kindheartedness, poise, the list goes on and on. Every woman is dime in her own right. When it comes to being caring, I'm a dime. Challenge me in Jeopardy, and you'll see my brain is a dime too lol. I wish I could whisper that to my freshman year self so that I would've walked with just a bit more confidence in not just my outer appearance, but inner as well. Thankfully, my grown/growing woman self is in a much better space. I think when we as ladies acknowledge that we are dimes, gems, gifts from God, we begin to refuse any relationship that makes us feel less than.

<3

SN: I have a date tomorrow that Hurricane Sandy is likely gonna delay. It's all good though, I definitely can wait a few more days

Job Snob

Everything is going good so far in the online dating world. The initial feeling of "is this what my dating life has come to?" has been replaced with piqued interests and good conversations with new people. While I get messages and winks from guys a good amount, most are either old or extremely weird. But 10% of them are actually just new-to-town, normal, hardworking people like me. It's encouraging and exciting :)

The beginning conversations on the site are usually the how-are-yous, where you from and all that jazz; so of course, the "what do you do question?" pops up. When searching for potential guys to get to know, I make a point to choose only guys with bachelors degrees or higher. I've met guys who are lawyers, managers,  physicians, consultants, teachers and all that, but one of the guys who I have a good amount in common with is a bus dispatcher -___- He has a bachelors and masters degree in the IT field but couldn't grab a job in his field and has been doing his to keep the checks coming. A few thoughts cross my mind either (a) he never really graduated from college (although I fact checked [lol] this and found his alumni info) (b) times really are just that tough or (c) he isn't trying hard enough. I am starting to believe that (b) is the most probably answer, but I'm wondering why I'm having such a hard time dealing with his occupation.

Even though I went to private school full of many well off students, I didn't grow up that way. I have blue collar, high school educated parents who worked hard to provide for me and my sisters. I would never want any guy judging my mom because she doesn't have a fabulous job or a college degree. She's hardworking, nice, smart and probably can beat anyone I know (including me) in Jeopardy. She's loyal to her family and would do anything for us. All qualities that any person would want in a partner. Sooo....yeah, a job is important to help keep funds in the family and provide, but should it matter so much to me? Am I being a job snob? Is the bond between two people really all that matters?

To Swirl or Not to Swirl

Last night my former Minnesotan boo called me up to say ask when I was gonna visit him in the Great North. We chatted for a bit about life updates...what's new on the East Coast, what's new in the Midwest, and it was nice to catch up with him. I can't say I have any overwhelmingly strong longings to ever see him again but talking with him had me thinking....am I gonna make swirling apart of my dating life this go around?

While I prefer the romantic company of a handsome African American guy, I do consider myself an equal opportunity lover. I had kissed a white guy or two before having a semi-long term friendship/boo love with my Minnesota guy. He was a definitely a cute guy with a great job at IBM. He liked the History Channel like me, he was a trained at MMA fighter gym for fun (and had a matching body!), and he helped me when I had car trouble.  But alot of things were way t0o opposite for my taste: like food, life experience, music interests, values. And we even had those weird race conversations that you'd never expect, like "Do black people get a tan?" lol

Overall, while I don't mind the swirl, I'm not sure if a non-black male can fully understand everything that is a a black woman....the struggle, the nuances, my hair, the way society views me v. what I am, my everything. I'd hate to limit my mind and dating circle to a limited pool but those aforementioned things aren't just things you can fill out on a questionnaire or common interests, it's common experiences, values, and points of view.

Wanted: Strong Man...literally lol

For the past few days, I have struggled to open a precious jar of pineapple mango salsa. The salsa looks so delicious and yummy and its so frustrating that I can't open the darn thing. And this isn't the first time this has happened; I got a jar of salsa a couple weeks ago from Trader Joe's that I couldn't enjoy till a friend came over to pop the lid. Not that I'm some weak, fragile being but these jars are uncharacteristically tight (or so I tell myself). The point is...if I had a boo around I'd be enjoying some lovely salsa right now as I relax after a long day at work. Its those little manly things that a boyfriend would be helpful for. Opening tight lids, taking out the trash, killing bugs, lifting heavy stuff, assembling IKEA furniture.

On the flip side, I'm not sure I necessarily want the other part of having a boyfriend, which is having someone that you have to constantly share your time, your life with. I know it sounds kinda selfish but I'm not certain that that's what I want. I like having time to do whatever I want, whenever I want, however I want. I like not having to run my plans past anyone and feeling absolutely able to follow my every passion/urge/care/whim

On the flip flip side, companionship would be great. I see so many cute restaurants in Mount Vernon and by the harbor that I'd love to explore. While I have a good amount of friends in the surrounding area whom I see pretty regularly, I don't have any close friends in the city besides my older sister. Going out to eat, going to lounges, and exploring new parks and neighborhoods sound like things I'd love to do with a boo. Clearly, I'm not exactly sure what I want...let's hope I found out once all this is said in done ;)

Sometimes You Just Gotta Take the Plunge

Somewhere in between being in grad school and doing post-grad training, my dating life hit a slump. Not that I've ever been the honer of the best guys or hottest dates, but my current love life is at an absolute standstill. Unacceptable lol. Last year, I really could blame a lame dating life on being an East Coast black girl living in suburban Minnesota and working 12 hour days -__- . But now, I'm back in my comfort zone and living in a major city, so it's time to get the ball rolling.

Being new to town, I've hit the nightlife scene looking my best, exchanged smiles and pleasantries with the opposite sex in hallways at work, and even responded to "hey gorgeous" calls from streetworkers; but still no dating and no boo. So, earlier this week I decided to try online dating. Yeah, online dating at 25...this is what my love life has come to lol

Suprisingly, I've seen several good looking, well established guys on Match.com. But of course, with the good comes the bad. I must admit that I have been asked out on a date: to a haunted house. It seemed like an ok date except that I'm a major scaredy cat who hasn't seen a horror film since I Still Know What You Did Last Summer and the guy's job/home life seem a little sketch. Not that having an amazing job and a professional degree is a dealmaker/breaker, but I don't feel like he was honest; if he has an amazing job on Capitol Hill, why does he live in the burbs with his parents? Another guy also seems like a great catch, except the phone number he gave me is a landline. Now back in 2003, this would have been completely acceptable (and we would've chatted on AIM on the side lol)...but I'm wondering...is this his only phone line? I'm probably jumping too quickly to judgment because he told me he's a bus dispatcher (despite having a grad degree).

Overall, online dating isn't as easy as it seems. But I will definitely stick it out. The good part is that it's week one and I can say that I have gotten asked out on a date for the first time since June and I have a few decent guys who seem interested. This may be a rocky journey but it might end up being the start of something good :)